I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
God, I missed his penis.
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