I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
