I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
