textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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