I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
