Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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