My cat gives me a boner
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
