The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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