I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
