alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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