My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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