Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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