I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
