Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
