i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
