I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
