Cold hands, warm shart.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
