Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
