I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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