He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My ATM looks so different sober.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
