i was born a porn star she said
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
