Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
