you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
