Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
