I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
