I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
