I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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