I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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