so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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