I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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