She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
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