Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
