He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
