We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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