My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize