I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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