my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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