i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
