oh god the rape fog is back!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
