Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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