please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
