Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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