I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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