My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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