Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
