He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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