You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we should paint friendship bongs
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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