so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
