2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
