when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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