The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
