according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
