Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
