Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
