Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
