i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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