hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
