she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
