I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
