True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize