Old men and throwing up are my life now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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